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When, How, and Why Should We Teach Children About Emotions?
Did you know that a person experiences up to 30 different emotions per hour, and as many as 500 emotions in a day? Yet when asked, “How are you feeling?” we often respond with “good,” “okay,” or “bad.” These are not even emotions but rather assessments of a state, which don’t convey much, making it difficult to understand our feelings. Many parents want to teach their children to recognize, name, and express their emotions properly, while others expect their children to only experience and display pleasant emotions, encouraging them to suppress or quickly control unpleasant ones. Note: unpleasant, not bad or negative. There are no bad or good emotions, nor negative or positive—there are pleasant emotions (joy, love, happiness, admiration, etc.) and unpleasant ones (anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc.), and all of them are necessary and valuable. Then there are parents who show little interest in their children’s emotional world, which often reflects their own upbringing where their emotional world was similarly neglected. After all, children learn emotional literacy from their parents.
First, it’s important to understand that an emotion is an automatic reaction of the body to various stimuli: objects, people, environments, situations, another person’s reactions, interactions, thoughts, smells, and more. Every emotion sends a message, and once we “read” that message, we learn to release and process the emotional load that has built up in our bodies. This task can be difficult even for adults if they are not used to being in tune with their own emotions. For children, their inner world moves faster than ours, with emotions rapidly cycling and clearly reflected in their behavior. So, why is it important for parents to teach their children about emotions, and how should they do it?
Children who are taught from a young age to understand, recognize, and manage their emotions (emotional literacy) find it easier to overcome challenging situations, have better problem-solving skills, form friendships more easily, and are more empathetic, caring, responsible, flexible, and optimistic. Conversely, children whose parents suppress their own emotions or dismiss unpleasant emotions in their child may become anxious, feel lonely and insecure, and often undervalue themselves and their abilities. They may see the world as unwelcoming and full of disappointment. As they grow, these children may struggle with emotional states that they cannot understand or control, which then reflects in their behavior. Older children may feel unloved and constantly failing to meet adult expectations, leading to depressive thoughts and moods. These children find it difficult to understand not only their own emotions but also those of others. Adults often label such children as difficult, unmanageable, or destructive. Rather than focusing on the negative consequences, we can instead focus on what can be done to help a child understand and make peace with their emotions.
Let’s begin by recognizing that parents are the primary teachers of their children. From their very first days, children observe their parents, “reading” their faces and watching their emotions and reactions. For example, a 1- or 2-year-old child in an unfamiliar environment may feel insecure, but the presence of their mother empowers them to explore the world. A mother’s emotional reaction to certain circumstances shapes the child’s experiences. If a child runs into another room and gets scared, they may return, crying or asking to be held. A sensitive and gentle mother will comfort the child and explain what happened (e.g., “Come here, sweetie, I see you got scared, but I was just in the other room. I know it’s scary when you don’t see me, but I’m here with you. You can call me, and I’ll come to you.”). This response helps the child understand their experience and feel safe. On the other hand, if the mother’s reaction is dismissive or harsh (e.g., “Why are you crying? Everything is fine! I didn’t go anywhere, now stop crying or we’ll go home.”), the child feels frightened and anxious, beginning to suppress their emotions or acting out because they can’t calm down. These experiences do not teach the child how to manage their feelings, and they fail to learn that emotional states are temporary and can be controlled. It’s essential to remember that children under four years old are not yet able to regulate their emotions, as the brain centers responsible for emotional control mature only around the age of four. Therefore, young children are not to blame for their tantrums or emotional outbursts—they need time to learn, and parents must be prepared to help them calm down. It is never too late for parents to learn about emotions themselves and teach their children, as long as they are willing to accept and understand their child’s emotional experiences.
Here are some ways to teach children about emotions:
Read books that depict a wide range of emotions experienced by the characters, and discuss these emotions with your child. Reflect on how the characters could act differently and how their emotional state might change. For older children, you can watch movies and discuss the characters’ emotions as well.
Use emotion cards or cutouts. If you don’t have cards, you can use magazine clippings with various faces reflecting different emotional reactions. Take turns naming the emotion and discussing when someone might feel that way. Ask your child when they feel like that and what helps them calm down.
Share your own emotions within the family. Talk about what’s happening with you and show your children that it’s safe to discuss emotions. For example, “I’m really tired from work today; it was a tough day,” or “I didn’t come yesterday because I was angry with you and needed some time alone,” or “You look so happy, and that makes me happy too.”
Be a source of support when your child is anxious, angry, crying, sad, or restless. Give them a big hug and explain what is happening (e.g., “You’re really upset right now because you can’t have a candy. I know you really want one, and I’m sorry that you feel this way. Stay with me, and I’ll stroke your back and hold you.”). For older children, you can agree on a code word that signals you both to take certain steps to manage difficult emotions (e.g., “Let’s agree that when one of us says the word ‘heart,’ we’ll hug for five seconds.”). Afterward, talk with your child about what happened, how they felt, and how they feel now. Help them understand the message that the emotion was trying to convey.
By Psychologist Ieva Lingienė
