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How to Say “No” to a Child?
Parenting is a widely discussed and never-ending topic these days. Many families are interested in and strive to apply positive parenting principles, demonstrating love, care, and respect toward their children. As a result, we often hear that to raise a brave, confident, creative, and happy child, we should avoid saying “no.” So, how can we say “no” while still fostering these qualities?
As children grow, they explore the world around them in an intuitive way, appropriate for their age (e.g., at six months old, they put everything in their mouth; at two years old, they open every drawer and climb on surfaces; at four years old, they notice how adults react to their behavior and use that to their advantage). In short, children are getting to know the world and its boundaries, becoming part of it. Parents play a crucial role in this process—they shape the world that the child will know and grow up in. If parents create a supportive, caring environment, the child will perceive the world as a friendly place. If not, the world may seem unstable, dangerous, and frightening. How does this look in everyday life?
Let’s consider a scenario where parents are walking with their child, and the child keeps running ahead. The parents might become frustrated and tell the child that they shouldn’t run because they could fall, or a stranger might take them, or they won’t be able to go on walks anymore. This could lead the child to believe that walking is not a pleasant activity but rather dangerous and unsafe, with the parents’ reactions reinforcing this feeling. However, if the parents redirect the child’s attention and explain how to behave, the experience could be completely different. For example, they could say, “When we go for a walk, it’s important to stay together and not rush so we can enjoy the nature and talk. You’ll be able to run when we get to the playground or the park.”
In another situation, a child draws on the wall with crayons, and the mother, noticing this, takes the crayons and scolds, “No, you can’t do that.” The child becomes scared, sad, and angry that they can’t draw. Then, noticing the dog lying nearby, the child runs over and hits the dog a few times until it starts yelping. The mother rushes over again and scolds, “What are you doing? You can’t hit the dog!” In this scenario, the child encounters unpleasant reactions from the mother and the word “no,” which prevents further exploration of the world. Everything the child does seems to receive a negative response. As a result, the child’s environment feels hostile, and the word “no” loses its meaning and effectiveness. Such reactions from parents can hinder the development of curiosity, independence, and creativity.
However, if the mother, noticing the child drawing on the wall, redirects the child by offering an alternative (e.g., “Wow, you’re really interested in drawing! But we don’t draw on walls. Come with me—I have a big piece of paper where you can draw. Would you like me to help? We can draw together!”), the child will learn about boundaries and hear alternatives in a friendly and respectful way. This is a positive way to say “no.”
A small child doesn’t understand that their behavior might be inappropriate, so parents need to explain their expectations in a way that is understandable, friendly, and respectful. This can be done by gently redirecting the child’s attention or engaging them in another activity. If the child continues to behave inappropriately, it may be necessary to remove them from the situation, clearly defining the boundaries and explaining the consequences (e.g., “I had to carry you home because you kept running into the street, which is very dangerous. Cars drive there. If you want to stay outside, you need to play in the yard.”). However, there are situations where parents must say “no” for safety reasons, and they need to react quickly (e.g., when the child tries to grab a cup of hot coffee). But if the child’s behavior is not dangerous to themselves or others, parents should demonstrate creativity and encourage exploration and learning about the world. If you find yourself frequently saying “no” or “don’t” in response to touching, throwing objects, or similar actions, consider removing items that shouldn’t be touched. Adapt the environment to the child rather than the child to the environment.
Here are three key guidelines for saying “no” to a child:
- Redirect their attention and offer an alternative or engage them in another activity.
- If the child continues the inappropriate behavior, remove them from the situation, demonstrating and explaining that such behavior is not acceptable and has consequences.
- Say “no” only when it is truly necessary.
By Psychologist Ieva Lingienė
